July 24, 2009

Oh my do I miss you..
I hate myself for even admitting to it.

I just wanna talk to you, but you seem to be ignoring me.
Mhmm..

July 21, 2009

..so you're just looking to have a good time. I'm not trying to stop you. I told you, I'm just trying to make you happy. You know, all that time I spent with you. All the times I ranked out on other people for you, because I knew it would make YOU happy..is now that I think about it, nothing but a waste of time. Stop acting like what we had was nothing. Unless I'm the fool in the situation right ? We've talked about this before. You wanna be free, live up highschool. Stop thinking I'm here to stop you, to hold you down. Cos that's the last thing I want. All I want, is to still be here. Someone you can run to. Your best friend, remember ? Don't act like we didn't say we're always gonna have something. We've had something way too long to just throw it away, don't YOU think ? Of course I'm gonna get jealous, that's fuckin' NORMAL. You already know, you'd do the same. At least, I still hope so. Prolly not as crazy as I'd get, but you know what I mean. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I already apologized for that. Just know I'm still here. That's all. As much as I don't wanna say I'm always gonna be here. We both know I'd be lying. I'm not trying to wait for us. I'm not trying to hold us down. The future is something that's always gonna be a blur. I, too am just tryna have fun, live it all up. I just don't..wanna forget about us.

I really hope you see what I'm trying to say here.
Baby, do you want you want, do what you gotta do.
But don't leave me hanging just yet..

July 20, 2009

Lately, I can't believe how vulnerable I've been. I feel like at any moment, I'm about to crack. Bottling up everything I've been hurting. Because I figured..it's not the best way to fix things. but the best way to avoid them, and eventually forget about. I've been trying to keep myself busy, going out every day, literally. I don't know why I've been breaking down so randomly, but I guess it's only about a matter of time till things are looking on the brighter side again. Oh, and hey, I'm gonna be honest. I wish I never got involved with you, because of you..my reputation just got even worst. Being talked shit on and dawged by people I don't even know, wait wait.. OLDER people I don't even know the names of. I just hope you get your shit together. I'm happy your happy tho. That's my main concern. I really wish I had someone to fall back on right now. At this time, with what I'm going through.. it'd be pretty cool to have someone to tell me everything's gonna be okay. Someone to take care of me and even give me a place to stay sometimes. You were supposed to be that person. Then I don't know what happened. What happened to the guy I met that night in May? The one that gave me 100% attention like I wanted? No idea, but that's just another one of the things I'll never understand in this life. No, no, not just you. But every other guy out there. There'd be times where I need time for myself. Like literally, just hours alone. No computer, no phone, no nothing. Just me. In my room, thinking to myself. I haven't had a time like that in a month. I'm always surrounded by people now. But hey, at least they're people I love. People that care about me. But sometimes, even the people that love you the most you need a break from. Like I always tell myself, in the end..it's just me. I'm gonna be the only one to hold myself up. So I got this, right? I'm gonna be okay..gonna get through this like I always do..

I think.

Sorry.

I don't think I can even express how bad I want to fix things.
But honestly, what's a girl to do?
I'm sorry I'm not a perfect child in your perfect world.
I'm sorry for everything. All the pain I caused you.
I really wish I could be the person you want me to be..
but with this generation, this society.
I've fallen into it. I know you're disappointed and
I feel like I'm never gonna stop disappointing you.
I couldn't stand staying in that house.
Where every time one of you would walk into the room..
I felt as if I was just a fuck-up.
I'm sorry.
That's all I can say.
Please don't think I took you or anything you have all done for me for granted..
Please don't.
I know it's going to difficult for you to believe,
I love you all.

If only there was a stronger word than sorry..