SelfLESS

I needa start being more selfish...
maybe like you, cos you're pretty damn selfish if you ask me.
you get what you want like nothing.
you dont care about other people's feelings but your own.

Maybe I should try being a jerk like you.

Finally

I'm here. I'm so happy.

It was all in my mind.

Yes !

Successful

I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful.

Focus.
Focus on what I need, not what I want.
Focus on what the future brings, not what the past holds.
Focus on what's for the best, not for the feeling of the moment.
Focus on the people who matter, not to people who hurt me.
Focus..

I need a reality check. I need to help myself.

I know I present myself in a way that I'm not thinking about my future and what's best for me. But I promise you. I'm gonna get there. I know what I'm doing. I'll get there. Trust me.

Oh,

You're an amazingly selfish bitch. <3

Darling

When you start to realize you need me..

I will no longer be here.

Truthfully.

Nocturnal was fucking amazing <3 I seriously think it was better than EDC, only because I was so much more pumped. EDC tho..just it being so big and double the amount of people as NOC beats out anything. But at Noc, we had a bigger group and so many more people to meet. I made a lotta new fwiends. :) What I love the most about raving is how friendly everyone is..how nice and welcoming people are. There was a point where me and Jaz were on the dancefloor dancing with ourselves, waving our hands in the air..and seriously. It all just seemed surreal. Nothing better than me and my best friend having the time of our lives. Of course, we were screaming out Kirstie's name wishing she was here. Damn..Trio at a rave..fuckin OVER. That'd be the best. EVER. <3 There's always a certain moment every few hours I would just stare out into the crowd and try to absorb everything going on. Like..try to take everything in. And the whole time I'm thinking about my favorite moments in life, cos the bad things just all start to fade away. With all the happy feelings and my lovely raver family..I wish the moment could of lasted longer. 10 hours flew by like it was only 3 hours long. Ugh, I had so much fun. It's just one more rave I'm gonna wish I could go back to. I got home the Sunday around 3 in the afternoon. Didn't get in trouble, score. KTFO until monday 6 in the morning. Double score. :) Fifteen hours of sleep never sounded so shweet ! <3

&This is me being honest. Not trying to be harsh or rude or mean. This is just..the truth. I just wanted to let you know..No, I'm not over it. I'm putting up a front to stop drama's bullshit from starting. So yes, I'm honestly acting really fake. I'm trying so hard, believe it or not. But I don't like what I see. I don't like what I still can't believe..even when I do see it with my own two eyes. If anything, I'm getting over him, but I can't get over what you chose to do. To disrespect me like that, cos I'll put it down, I would never do that to you. Telling me you're the one I shouldn't be worried about, & all this other bs. Then a week later..oh, I changed my mind. & unlike some people, I keep my word. I'm trying really hard to let my heart overule my mind. Cos somethings that're going on in my head, you don't even wanna know..trust me. You really don't.

I appreciate

I appreciate your effort in trying so hard to save this. I appreciate you putting up with my bullshit. I appreciate you putting up a front with good intentions. I appreciate you being the bigger person. It's funny cos before we weren't even talking or hanging out but knowing now how things are you don't realize what you got till it's gone kinda thing ? Looking at my homepage dashboard..& getting a glance at your latest blog, right away knowing it was for me. I didn't even care to open it and continue to read it tho. You know I didn't even read the last message you sent me on myspace right ? I just wanted to let you know. I'm not ignoring you. I just haven't read it yet. Understand my fingers are fuckin slipping, I'm about to eat shit. If I fall. No one's there to pick me up. Understand that. I'm just trying to be strong for me. I needa do this for me right now. Because for the last few months, I've been doing it for him. & it was all a sad waste of time. I have a lot of time to make up for. A lot of alone time to make up for. A lot of deep cuts that need to be healed. Thanks for understanding. I'm just not ready yet.


WHY IS IT SO HARD..to fucking find someone fucking worth it. Man, it's sunk in. I know I don't need someone, but it would be fuckin' great. Don't YOU think? Sheeessh.

Listen baby,

I look so strong.

But don't let my front phase you..
I swear this knife is digging deeper and deeper into my back. I'm here, trying so hard to pull it out. But it's difficult when I'm getting weaker and weaker as the days go by. Denial seems like a good place to rest tho. Well, not technically a good place..but a safe place. Can't go wrong over here.

Honestly. I'm straight up frontin'.


As for YOU, don't stay up late thinking you're the only one. I can promise you, I know what I'm talking about. Keep your pants on, don't get too excited.

I guess !

Assholes on the daily, WOO.


Ladies, keep your heads up.
Forget the playas, and move on.

Blog For Pity !

This whole blogspot thing amuses me. I'm not making fun of it or anyone, it's just interesting. Every time someone wants to say something but never to their face because their two scared, too worried, or just not man enough to say how you feel. Imagine there was no blog sites? Would we all just keep quiet or find the balls to say it in person? People would still be using diaries to vent. Or would they? Cos everyone is just at least a little conceited that they needed write about it so everyone in the world is capable of viewing it. I hate how blogs are so deciving sometimes. It can make you think it's for you..when it's not. You feel all special..but really it's a lie. No one ever mentions names cos they assume that person will know. I'm not making fun or baggin. I do it too ! Shit, I do it a lot actually. It was just something that crossed my mind..

Because I wonder if you know which are for you and which aren't. I try to make it as obvious but as lowkey as possible.

Maaaaaan, debut practices should be starting soon !! I'm missing one girl tho. HELP. I don't hang out with girls -_-;

Once again, I would just like to say I'm happy. Finally.

The funny part

is that I'm not even paying attention to you. I'm not gonna read your messages or your blogs. I got previews of 'em realizing they were for me. But why am I gonna read it ? It's not that I'm trying to push you away or ignore you. It's just that it hurts me. I am so sick and tired of being disappointed and let down and pushed to the side. & worst of all, backstabbed. I'm sorry if my back hurt your knife, but I needa do what's best for me right now. I can't deal with this. Hope you understand.

Finally a good day..

I have been craving a good day like this since fuckin' FOREVER..
ALL this bullshit and drama and stress on my shoulders, today made me feel good about myself.


I ended up not going to school cos I didnt have gas :/
But then Eman saw my bulletin and decided to pick me up after his class. I missed him so much ! We finally got to kick it and catch up. We just went to longs house to chill and Jor & Adrian came through too. I went back to school and went to the senior grad fair, then ran errands with val and then to her house. Johnjohn picked me up to kick it, cos it's beeen a while ! And I went with him and his cousins to watch them play ball.

A lot of detail left out, but I needed a day away.

Thank you for making me feel amazing.

I've came to a conclusion that I just wanna be free and let go of all the bullshit that I don't need. If I don't care..then fuck it. Why should I even keep paying attention to it right ? I'm still alive. I'm not gonna die, I'm keeping me head up and standing higher than the heavens. I'm happy with what I have and I don't need your shit to bring me down. If I'm in denial, I'mma stay here. Cos I'm happy. & That's all I need right now. DEUCE, bitch.

Don't do this..

You know, I always told you and everyone I knew you were my hero, the one I look up to. No matter how many times you fucked up, no matter how many times you've let me down, no matter how many times you've embarrassed me. I still look up to you. I don't give a fuck if you can't support me. You think I wanna be away from you? I understand times are so hard right now, times are as difficult as they're gonna be and they're only gona get harder as days go by. But you can't break like this, you can't cave. What I admired the most about you is how you never gave up, how you always kept your head so high and mighty. Money isn't the most important thing in this world, tho you happen to think it is. It isn't. I know it's hard, you don't know how much it sucks to not be able to get to school everyday simply because we don't have gas money. How sad is it that we can't even get a few dollars..I'm trying so hard to keep up with all the bullshit and drama, but it hurts so bad. You're telling me you want me to stay with my father? I think if I couldn't take living like this than I'd be with him already, dont YOU think so ? I told you already. I'd rather stay here happy with you, no matter how hard my life is..than to have problems free and live with my dad. I can't take it there, you know that. Why are you trying to push me away? Don't do this. Because I need you. Because YOU need me more. Prove me wrong, moma. Please don't let me down..again.

&another thing..

Why do you always happen to run back to me when things start to fall apart.. I can't complain and say I don't like it..cos I do. But I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. I'm excited for you to take me out tonight tho..I kinda wanna know where it's gonna lead. You always seem to come out of nowhere..<3

Welll.

More disappointed than betrayed, I'll tell you that forsure.

No longer are ya of importance to me tho.

..but it feels good to have my best friend back.

June 9, 2009

R.I.P. Anthony Crespo
We were never really "close." Just a few simple conversations online or through text. What happened to you has taught me such a great and valuable lesson. I mourn not only for the sympathy of your death but for the sadness the ones close to you feel. I can't imagine losing a homie. Losing someone amazingly close me. I don't think I'd know how to deal. Finding about you passing away was enough shock, esp. how it happened. So my biggest condolences to everyone close to him. He's watching over you all.


I was talking to Kirstie about this shit, imagine losing a close homie in an accident like that. Imagine..going home from a kickback with all of us getting fcked up like we do EVERY weekend. Risking ourselves getting in an accident. But us thinking we're so fckin hard, that shit wouldn't happen to us. It just makes me think, and it scares the shit out of me. Please be careful guys. I can't even imagine the pain I'd have to endure if anything happened to anyone I knew and cared for.

On Monday..Me, Kirst, Andre, Jaron & Carlo went all the way to Porter Ranch to go to Anthony's tribute bbq. The turn out was great. Seeing everything from the pictures of him, and the box full of money donations to more than a thousand dollars was crazy. Everyone wearing black and white. Seeing his homies cry. Geez, it was all just surreal. Afterwards we went to his house with his family. Looked through his room and all his stuff. Oh man, it was just weird..Planning to kick it with this foo and it never happened yet. Then he passes away..ah. After visiting his house with his family we went back to where it all happened. To I-210 westbound freeway near the Wheatland exit. We all posted up on the shoulder. Shit was so dangerous, but it went down okay. We left flowers, a picture of him, and a candle on the wall. We lit a stogie, a red to be exact, lit it up..and unbelievably, it smoked itself. It was a trip. Usually when you smoke a stog and don't drag it for a while it'll go out..but that shit smoked itself more than half way. We allll knew he was there. Seeing his family and friends cry was so sad. : Again, I can't imagine the pain..

One more time,
Rest In Paradise
Anthony Crespo

You will be forever missed.

I'm so proud of myself

I'm so proud. Ugh, I can't let myself break.

"When you're young everything feels like the end of the world but it's not, it's just the beginning."

I guess I just wanted to be one of those people who coulda made you change. I'm not capable of that. My love is not the one that's gonna make you change. Which means there's someone even better out there for you. Which is amazing because what I could of given you..oh, you have no idea. Like gold, you would of been given everything. This is the best way I can fix things. I'm sorry. This is all I can do for you. No, I'm sorry. Not all I can do for you, but I needa be selfish. This is what I have to do for me.

SEN10RS BABY !

Wooohooo. To describe my prediction of this year..EASY, QUICK, & the BEST. I only have four classes. Two of them being electives. and a fifth class being a T.A..which is nothing. I'm excited, I got my schedule exactly how I wanted it. First period is an easy A. Art class, I can't draw for beans but my effort will get out me okay. Haha. -_-; 2nd period is Gov. Love that class, everyone's in there. At least people I enjoy talking to. & my teacher seems to be super energetic in the morning to wake me up -_-; 3rd period is food tech, WOO. We get to cook. and what we cook, we eat. SCORE NIGGY. Easy A again. 4th period is uhh..English class. I haven't been in that class yet..But I heard the teacher's a bitch..but she's east, just hard to deal with. -_-; then 6th I'm a TA. I don't ahve a 7th. yay. Okay anywayyyyyyyyy. Uhhh.. I'm excited. I get my lunch pass tomorroww. I'm gonna get fat going out everyday for lunch :( Sheeesh. & I swear the school is getting more packed every year. -_-;

Sen10r year and I'm super pumped man ! Haha. :)

First day was supperrrrr boring. Didn't do much, but I went out to get pho with Sam after. 'Twas bomb ! Haven't had pho in ages. and NO I didn't care about the weather. I didn't get my raincoat. Right now I'm eating yoshinoyaaaaa and a yosi sounds pretty bomb right now. :( Save me !


Bye !

You Were My Everything

Word for word, amazing lyrics.

[Talking:]
This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just... I don’t even know
Just listen…

You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel

That wasn’t me; let me show you the way
I looked for the sun, but it’s raining today
I remember when I first looked into your eyes
It was like God was there, heaven in the skies

I wore a disguise 'cause I didn’t want to get hurt
But I didn’t know I made everything worse
You told me we were crazy in love
But you didn’t care when push came to shove

If you loved me as much as you said you did
Then you wouldn’t have hurt me like I ain’t shit
Now you pushed me away like you never even knew me
I loved you with my heart, really and truly

I guess you forgot about the times that we shared
When I would run my fingers through your hair
Late nights, just holding you in my arms
I don’t know how I could do you so wrong

I really wanna show you I really need to hold you
I really wanna know you like no one else could know you
You’re number one, always in my heart
And now I can’t believe that our love is torn apart

[Chorus:]
I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you [2x]

I knew you gonna sit and play this with your new man
And then sit and laugh as you’re holding his hand
The thought of that just shatters my heart
It breaks in my soul and it tears me apart

At times we was off I was scared to show you
Now I wanna hold you until I can’t hold you
Without you, everything seems strange
Your name is forever planted in my brain

Damn it, I’m insane,
Take away the pain
Take away the hurt
Baby, we can make it work

What about when you
Looked into my eyes
Told me you loved me
As you would hugged me

I guess everything you said was a lie
I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes
Now I’m not even a thought in your mind
I can see clearly, my love is not blind

[Chorus:]
I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you [2x]

[Talking:]
I just wish everything could have turned out differently
I had a special feeling about you
I thought maybe you did too
You would understand, but…
No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart
You’ll always be my baby

Our first day, it seemed so magical
I remember all the time that I had with you
Remember when you first came to my house?
You looked like an angel wearing that blouse

We hit it off, I knew it was real
But now I can’t take all the pain that I feel
Reach in your heart, I know I’m still there
I don’t wanna hear that you no longer care

Remember the times? Remember when we kissed?
I didn’t think you would ever do me like this
I didn’t think you’d wanna see me depressed
I thought you’d be there for me, this I confess

You said you were my best friend, was that a lie?
Now I’m nothing to you, you’re with another guy
I tried, I tried, I tried, and I’m trying
Now on the inside it feels like I’m dying

[Chorus:]
I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you [2x]

[Talking:]
And I do miss you
I just thought we were meant to be
I guess now, we’ll never know
The only thing I want is for you to be happy
Whether it be with me, or without me
I just want you to be happy