Why are you so confusing ?

I swear. Git you shit straight cos I'm getting tired.
Say this one time..then a totally different thing another time. Wtf?


What a mistake.

holla if you need me.

i still be thinking 'bout the things you do.
i still be thinking 'bout the times we had.
i dont wanna make it seem like i'm missing you.
but I am..and damn it's bad.

:) <3

i trip

too much about this. im starting to realize i dont need to.
I guess it's kinda a 'too good to be true' kinda thing..
it just gets better and better everytime.

im fckin lovin it..

I keep asking myself if you're worth the wait.

Great.

Only time can tell at this point..and I must say..I think time is on my side. :)

B, I loved spending time with you. And I swear that was the best talk we've had yet, cos you finally opened up and so did I. I just really hope you're not feeding me bullshit, cos I don't have time for that. I'm not letting myself believe you one hundred percent yet. but again, you'll always have a place in my heart. I'll see you soon.<3


MMMMMMMM. Christmas is coming up. Tryna get shit together to get your asses presents..

I thinking about not going to TAO this year..cos I reallllyy wanna go to DisneyLand.

happy.. <3

i am satisfied.

why am I always the unlucky one ?


..&tbh, my life is so much better without you, I have to admit.

got 'em, bittches.

What you makin that face for?
I'm tired of you accusin me, it's not the way it is supposed to be.
There'll be days like that, there'll be days like this
When we start out mad, and we wind up pissed
Can we go and do that all day?
Now the only thing I can say
Is that I wish you could read my mind,
wish you could take some time
To listen to me, I wish you believed,
and then you would see that I
I don't know what I ever did to you
To make you feel this way.

I have better things to worry about.

i do miss you tho. <3

:)

You were never my best friend.

why can't i ever say no to you?

you're my favorite.

You'll get what's coming to ya.

I acknowledge the ones who think they know me, just so they feel flattered.
I smile at the ones who dawg me, just so they become confused.
I hide what I did and would hurt the people who know me, just so I can protect myself.
I am my own person and I know who I am.

But you, you think you know me.
So for you, I am listening.
Tell me what you know.





"God will you keep him safe from the thunderstorm?
When the day's cold will you keep him warm?
When the darkness falls will you please shine him the way..?
God will you let him know that I love him so?
When there's no one there that he's not alone?
Just close his eyes and let him know
My heart is beating with his.."

few things on my mind..

Holiday's coming up already. I'm super excited because I love the feeling of Christmas. So happy and cheery and reason to cuddle. A lot of people get kinda sad during the holidays cos "they dont have anyone to celebrate with." Dgaf, I make Christmas the best I possibly can.

These months are passing by reallyy quick..Next thing Imma know is that my debut is TOMORROW. Eeeekk. I thought it woulda been easy keeping 18 couples..yaannno..36 fckin people. Because I thought people were loyal and reliable enough to stick with it. But apparently, no. So unfortunately. It's getting closer and closer to cutting HALF the people in my court just to have 9 couples. As much as you would think that it's easy for me to cut people out..It's fuckin difficult. Cos it's either people I'm not close to who try..or people I am close to who don't try. So who do I choose? The closer people to me or the people who put in the effort. I don't have the balls big enough to do that, so I'm putting my boys who are helping out a lot to do it for me. Ha..Let's see how this goes. :/

Gahd, you are so fuckin' ridiculous. How the fuck do you tell me you miss me then same day same time practically, you tell another beezy the same thing..and worst of all its like you're not slick about it. Cos I CAN check your comments, you fuckin turd. I'm so sick of people like you. I seriously think you need help, mental.

I'm sorry if I've been hurting you or messing with your head..end.

This is ridiculous. I really don't know where I'm gonna be TOMORROW. Are we moving, are we not ? I hate this shit. It's more like..NO money, MORE problems.

This isn't healthy.

I need some excitement in my life, some "umph." Everyday I ask for a good day, a day that maybe he doesn't pass through my mind. Cos the pain is getting fucking annoying. I think I need..a vacation. Oh my that sounds great right now. Just to get away from everything. Not even with anyone..just me. Oh how joyous.

if i could make time stand still

I've learned that with you, as much as I wanna say no and prevent myself from spending time with you. I will lose against not wanting to. Because all in all, you make me happy. Whether is it for the time being or for long term. I love having you to think about. This weekend was fun. I thank you for it.

Could it be the world's gone colder? Baby, I'm a losing soul. The more I try it just gets harder and my pain is getting old. Somebody said that nothing lasts forever, just the storm so I've been old. But it seems that when it rains it pours..And you know the rain won't last forever. And you know the storm won't always flow, But if the sun don't shine forever. You gotta let it go. Sometimes my burdens get so heavy and it seems too hard to bear. Sometimes I feel so empty and it feels like no one's there. Somebody said that nothing lasts forever, just the storm so I've been told,b ut it seems that when it rains it pours

Either they're really lucky,
or I'm just unlucky..

Either way, I lose.

poor girl

has no idea.

Why is it that no matter how much you hurt me, I still seem to do whatever it is you want that makes you happy?

"Manipulative little bitch."

"when i feel like it"

Halloween

Yesterday was a good night definitely. Charlie's Angels kicked ass. But we didn't take any pictures :/ I don't remember the last time I was with that many people, but I really enjoyed my halloween. (: End of story.

& for the hell of it:
Who are you dating?
No one. Thanks.

Did you go to sleep happy?
I guess you can say that !

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I don't know. Hopefully not

Who'd you last talk to on the phone?
Nico

Who's house were you at last?
Jaz's Grandmas

Do you want to know the date of your death?
What the? Do you ?

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Nope

Who were you with last night?
A GRIP of people. Shaysh.

Who did you last take a picture with?
Don't remember.

Could you go a whole year without cursing?
I wish :/

Are you happy with the way things are going?
I guess so !

Do you like to wear flip-flops?
I do indeed.

Do you call it sitting "criss-cross" or " Indian- style" ?
I used to called it Indian-style...in 6th grade.

Who comes to mind first when I say list your favorite person?
"who's my favorite person ?"

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
Jazmyn & Kirstie.

Do you want to get married and have kids?
Of course.

Do you smoke weed everyday?
No.

Are you wearing jeans right now?
Pang bahay !

Are you ticklish?
Yes.

Who is the last person you laughed with?
Jazmyn

How much money have you spent today?
Broke..

What's something you really want right now?
Anything would be nice.

Do you brush your teeth in the shower?
I used to.

Do you like going to the movies?
I do.

What kind of pants are you wearing?
Sweats.

Did anyone see your last kiss?
Don't think so.

Why aren't you in 'love' with your last ex anymore?
Because, shit happens.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Minor.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
3ish?

What do you currently hear right now?
Jazmyn playing that farmville bullsh !

Do you smoke crack everyday?
Hell no.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
Just now.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
No.

Have you ever cried so much you threw up?
No. Hahh. wt.

what are you looking forward to next month?
Thanksgiving ?

What are you looking forward to in the next week ?
Practice ?

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Yes, but eh.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Idk.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Either one is bullshit.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Do you ?

Who do you blame for your mood today?
Bitch.

I had a good day yesterday. (:
Trio finally got all their costumes done and then I hung out with some jerk. But a really sweet jerk.
Thanks for the guavas, B :) Hehe.

HALLOWEEEN IS LOOKIN GOOODD RIGHT NOW.
I'm excited for the weekend, wee !

I wrote you a really long letter..
but I didn't have the balls to send it.

show me you caree..

can you just please, please prove to me you're worth it this time?

I'm trying so hard to stop myself from caring about you so much, but I can't help it.
cos everywhere I turn you're there. No one would be happy to hear you're back. I still don't feel like you really care about me.. Ahhhhhhh, I'm lost and confused. Till I know you're ready to take me, and hold me and only me. Then I'll give you the best of me. The best you'll ever have.

but..
YOU
ARE
SO
CUTE

Part of me, part of you

Part of me wants to find the right words to hurt you..the same way you hurt me. But the other part of me still cares about you. As much as I may not show it. I'm not that much of a bitch. You're still alive in my world. & with as much hate I honestly have towards you, I would never want you to feel the goddamn pain I'm dealing with every single day. Even tho you're the reason, you're the one who caused it.

TO MY COURTT:

I'll be sending individual comments on thursdays like I always do but just in case;

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come on Friday.Consider it MANDATORY.
Our plan is to start to waltz and EVERYONE needs to be present in order to begin.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR PARTNER HANGINGG.
Ladies; BRING YOUR HEELS !
You wanna get used to dancing in 'em cos it gets difficult.

& try NOT to be late. I wanna start promptly at 4.
Don't be gay. -__-;

If you're not gonna be able to make it, LET ME KNOW. ASAP.
You can text Anthony or Jazmyn too, if you want.

hideout st.

I can't really put a finger on why I'm in such a lowkey bad mood lately..
Insomnia's really starting to kick in and those times when your heart is super heavy..oh my, I need a pick up. I don't want to let myself even think it's YOU that's bringing me down. I don't know..It can't be hitting me just now. I don't need you..

..but I'm not happy..
It's starting to hurt..

dammit.

Haha, You're gonna get bored, baby. Watch.

I'm not gonna try to hang out with you anymore. I've done my part and apparently you're life is too fckin busy for me. So I quit. Forget it ! Jerk..

It seems to be the hardest thing to find.
Damn, what's wrong with me ! -_-;

I wish I had the mind of a player. A players mentality..
How do you assholes do it, man..
Not care. Shaysh, teach me your ways.

On a brighter note..

I had a good friday :) Practice went well..
Tricia's dance is reallly gooodd. Mama likey.
Next Practice is next friday !

After practice we went to Russ's then to Julies. 'Twas very fun. I love Trio.
& no matter how much FAMbamz bags, they know they love us. :)
Buahaha.

Didn't go home last night tho..cosa someoneeeee !
But it's cool. Like always, I had fun.

I'm drained to go out tonight, so I'll be home.



Thank you for making me feel good once again.
Missed ya, b.

Just HAD to say..

If you're talking to ME about karma you better check yourself, sweetheart.


..better yet if you're talking anyone about karma...you STILL needa check yourself.

saying you don't give a fuck anymore.
The fuck? Since when did I give a fuck about you giving a fuck ?

wcg

I miss you. I know I haven't been there. I know I've changed a lot. I know you guys prolly hate me now. If not hate me, you just..don't really care about me anymore. But honestly, I just felt really..left out. And I felt like you guys didn't really WANT me there, that I bugged you, or..whatever. That's why I haven't been around, besides the fact that you guys are doing your own thing and it doesn't cross your mind to invite me anymore cos we all know it's just the way it is now.. and I understand completely..but I guess its all the times I missed out on with the inside jokes I wasn't there for. If I could make 'em up, I would. but we know it's too late for that. Individually I can catch up with you guys, but together we know it's not to same anymore. I'm happy you guys are still standing strong. I swear it puts me in the awkwardest position when people asked what happened to us. But I want you guys to know I miss you. and I'm sorry for anything I did wrong. I hope there aren't any hard feelings between us. Cos that'd be the last thing I want in this situation. Really tho, I'm still here if either of you guys need anything. Promise. <3

Who's really there? Who's really staying ? Who's really gonna care?

Once in a blue moon..that likes to cross my mind. Like I would wish something bad happened just so I can see who's gonna be there. That sounds ridiculous tho. *knocks on wood* But God forbid, if I were to die today, and we ended it like this..not talking. Angry with each other because of something absolutely stupid.. How would you feel ? How do you think I would feel? If you think I don't care about you. I want you to rethink that. Days like this, with people like you, treating me like this..hmm, I'm tryna explain it in words..but ..hmm..basically.. It sucks. Plain and simple. Don't you understand how sorry I am? I wish more than anything we can do the label we were given..not the label we made. I miss you guys, I do..

Mama likee..

Well I liked how you stopped for me.
I like how you promise things to me.
I like how you say you won't lie to me.
I like this weird thing we have going on that only you and I understand.. :)

..I like you.
as much as I don't want to.

I forgot

I forgot how it feels.

How it makes my heart literally crumble out of nervousness. How it feels for my cheeks to ache from him making me smile so much. How it feels to reread my text messages over and over with the sweet things he says. I don't remember the last time I was excited to see him.. when I would keep looking back at the door to see him walk through. or constantly glancing at the street to see if he would pull up the driveway. I forgot how it feels to WANT to stay home just so I could talk to him. or how it feels to worry about him being out w/o me cos some other bitch is tryna get some. Or, or..how it feels to smile cos every love song related to us. & I wouldn't even WANT to listen to any heartbreak bullshit cos it didn't even sound good if it doesn't relate.

I've been playing on this field so long I'm getting tired or running the same bases everyday. Officially am I not talking to anyone, nor do I have feelings for anyone. I've tried plenty of times to find him, but he's ina hiding spot that's difficult for me to find with juts my own two eyes. It gets lonely after awhile, my two best friends both have someone. So it gets eery when they both have someone to talk about. While I wish I could have someone to complain about, but instead I'm just helping with advice. Not trying to bitch. Just saying, it would feel so great to be able to go home and tell someone about my day, or how much I miss him, or just to stay on the phone with absolutely silent, but still enjoying the company of them on the phone.

But as wisemen once said, good things come to those who wait..

It's only a matter of time, that I find that good, great, amazing person.

Lately

Man, I'm failing government. HELP. I hate that class. :(
Everything else is A-okay tho.

Weeeeeeehh. Yesterday went to some "practice" for my debut. Haha. -_-; then to the nogales burgers session until like 11:30. Shit went on forever but there were a lot of heads. Afterwards we went to Kirsties and kicked ittt. 'Twas fun. Watched fast & the furious..or the 2nd one Idk, but it was fun. I had fun. The end, bye ! :)

busy bee ! Family and debut stuff are my main concern right now.

me & jaz went jobhunting yesterday..hopefully ONE of 'em pulls through. :/
BUT YAAA, I hope this weekend goes well. Pls pls pls!
No homecoming for me, fine with me.
Trio's not going so I'm not missing out on anything. dgaff.
Oh and uhhhhhhhhhhh......

You're cute, but I don't wanna risk ruining anythingg.

One year

dgaf ahhaha

Pursuit of Happyness

This is getting harder and harder every fuckin day..

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I promise things are gonna get better. Money is only an issue only if we make it one. But we're gonna move past this..We don't need any of this.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't gonna be gold.
I'll be fine once I get it; I'll be good.

Really tho..


I miss you guys.

"I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been and what we've been through."

PROJECT: Debut

First practice was successful. Thanks to everyone for coming. Sorry if I got all mean and yell-y. But you assholes weren't doing anything -_-; Hah. But anywayy. We actually got stuff done. When everyone left we worked on formations. It's gonna be difficult for a few people...including me, but we'll get it done ! 5 months is gonna fly by super quick guys.

Next practice is Oct 16. Same time, same place.
Git wid it.
THIS TIME, Bring clothes you can dance in. Not tight ass jeans or short skirts and dresses. Hahah.

See you all there.

Whenever you kiss him, can't you taste me inside his mouth?


..&when you're laying in his bed doing we all know what,
canya smell me in his sheets?

You have no idea how much hatred I have towards you.

I, myself, am amazed.

SelfLESS

I needa start being more selfish...
maybe like you, cos you're pretty damn selfish if you ask me.
you get what you want like nothing.
you dont care about other people's feelings but your own.

Maybe I should try being a jerk like you.

Finally

I'm here. I'm so happy.

It was all in my mind.

Yes !

Successful

I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful.

Focus.
Focus on what I need, not what I want.
Focus on what the future brings, not what the past holds.
Focus on what's for the best, not for the feeling of the moment.
Focus on the people who matter, not to people who hurt me.
Focus..

I need a reality check. I need to help myself.

I know I present myself in a way that I'm not thinking about my future and what's best for me. But I promise you. I'm gonna get there. I know what I'm doing. I'll get there. Trust me.

Oh,

You're an amazingly selfish bitch. <3

Darling

When you start to realize you need me..

I will no longer be here.

Truthfully.

Nocturnal was fucking amazing <3 I seriously think it was better than EDC, only because I was so much more pumped. EDC tho..just it being so big and double the amount of people as NOC beats out anything. But at Noc, we had a bigger group and so many more people to meet. I made a lotta new fwiends. :) What I love the most about raving is how friendly everyone is..how nice and welcoming people are. There was a point where me and Jaz were on the dancefloor dancing with ourselves, waving our hands in the air..and seriously. It all just seemed surreal. Nothing better than me and my best friend having the time of our lives. Of course, we were screaming out Kirstie's name wishing she was here. Damn..Trio at a rave..fuckin OVER. That'd be the best. EVER. <3 There's always a certain moment every few hours I would just stare out into the crowd and try to absorb everything going on. Like..try to take everything in. And the whole time I'm thinking about my favorite moments in life, cos the bad things just all start to fade away. With all the happy feelings and my lovely raver family..I wish the moment could of lasted longer. 10 hours flew by like it was only 3 hours long. Ugh, I had so much fun. It's just one more rave I'm gonna wish I could go back to. I got home the Sunday around 3 in the afternoon. Didn't get in trouble, score. KTFO until monday 6 in the morning. Double score. :) Fifteen hours of sleep never sounded so shweet ! <3

&This is me being honest. Not trying to be harsh or rude or mean. This is just..the truth. I just wanted to let you know..No, I'm not over it. I'm putting up a front to stop drama's bullshit from starting. So yes, I'm honestly acting really fake. I'm trying so hard, believe it or not. But I don't like what I see. I don't like what I still can't believe..even when I do see it with my own two eyes. If anything, I'm getting over him, but I can't get over what you chose to do. To disrespect me like that, cos I'll put it down, I would never do that to you. Telling me you're the one I shouldn't be worried about, & all this other bs. Then a week later..oh, I changed my mind. & unlike some people, I keep my word. I'm trying really hard to let my heart overule my mind. Cos somethings that're going on in my head, you don't even wanna know..trust me. You really don't.

I appreciate

I appreciate your effort in trying so hard to save this. I appreciate you putting up with my bullshit. I appreciate you putting up a front with good intentions. I appreciate you being the bigger person. It's funny cos before we weren't even talking or hanging out but knowing now how things are you don't realize what you got till it's gone kinda thing ? Looking at my homepage dashboard..& getting a glance at your latest blog, right away knowing it was for me. I didn't even care to open it and continue to read it tho. You know I didn't even read the last message you sent me on myspace right ? I just wanted to let you know. I'm not ignoring you. I just haven't read it yet. Understand my fingers are fuckin slipping, I'm about to eat shit. If I fall. No one's there to pick me up. Understand that. I'm just trying to be strong for me. I needa do this for me right now. Because for the last few months, I've been doing it for him. & it was all a sad waste of time. I have a lot of time to make up for. A lot of alone time to make up for. A lot of deep cuts that need to be healed. Thanks for understanding. I'm just not ready yet.


WHY IS IT SO HARD..to fucking find someone fucking worth it. Man, it's sunk in. I know I don't need someone, but it would be fuckin' great. Don't YOU think? Sheeessh.

Listen baby,

I look so strong.

But don't let my front phase you..
I swear this knife is digging deeper and deeper into my back. I'm here, trying so hard to pull it out. But it's difficult when I'm getting weaker and weaker as the days go by. Denial seems like a good place to rest tho. Well, not technically a good place..but a safe place. Can't go wrong over here.

Honestly. I'm straight up frontin'.


As for YOU, don't stay up late thinking you're the only one. I can promise you, I know what I'm talking about. Keep your pants on, don't get too excited.

I guess !

Assholes on the daily, WOO.


Ladies, keep your heads up.
Forget the playas, and move on.

Blog For Pity !

This whole blogspot thing amuses me. I'm not making fun of it or anyone, it's just interesting. Every time someone wants to say something but never to their face because their two scared, too worried, or just not man enough to say how you feel. Imagine there was no blog sites? Would we all just keep quiet or find the balls to say it in person? People would still be using diaries to vent. Or would they? Cos everyone is just at least a little conceited that they needed write about it so everyone in the world is capable of viewing it. I hate how blogs are so deciving sometimes. It can make you think it's for you..when it's not. You feel all special..but really it's a lie. No one ever mentions names cos they assume that person will know. I'm not making fun or baggin. I do it too ! Shit, I do it a lot actually. It was just something that crossed my mind..

Because I wonder if you know which are for you and which aren't. I try to make it as obvious but as lowkey as possible.

Maaaaaan, debut practices should be starting soon !! I'm missing one girl tho. HELP. I don't hang out with girls -_-;

Once again, I would just like to say I'm happy. Finally.

The funny part

is that I'm not even paying attention to you. I'm not gonna read your messages or your blogs. I got previews of 'em realizing they were for me. But why am I gonna read it ? It's not that I'm trying to push you away or ignore you. It's just that it hurts me. I am so sick and tired of being disappointed and let down and pushed to the side. & worst of all, backstabbed. I'm sorry if my back hurt your knife, but I needa do what's best for me right now. I can't deal with this. Hope you understand.

Finally a good day..

I have been craving a good day like this since fuckin' FOREVER..
ALL this bullshit and drama and stress on my shoulders, today made me feel good about myself.


I ended up not going to school cos I didnt have gas :/
But then Eman saw my bulletin and decided to pick me up after his class. I missed him so much ! We finally got to kick it and catch up. We just went to longs house to chill and Jor & Adrian came through too. I went back to school and went to the senior grad fair, then ran errands with val and then to her house. Johnjohn picked me up to kick it, cos it's beeen a while ! And I went with him and his cousins to watch them play ball.

A lot of detail left out, but I needed a day away.

Thank you for making me feel amazing.

I've came to a conclusion that I just wanna be free and let go of all the bullshit that I don't need. If I don't care..then fuck it. Why should I even keep paying attention to it right ? I'm still alive. I'm not gonna die, I'm keeping me head up and standing higher than the heavens. I'm happy with what I have and I don't need your shit to bring me down. If I'm in denial, I'mma stay here. Cos I'm happy. & That's all I need right now. DEUCE, bitch.

Don't do this..

You know, I always told you and everyone I knew you were my hero, the one I look up to. No matter how many times you fucked up, no matter how many times you've let me down, no matter how many times you've embarrassed me. I still look up to you. I don't give a fuck if you can't support me. You think I wanna be away from you? I understand times are so hard right now, times are as difficult as they're gonna be and they're only gona get harder as days go by. But you can't break like this, you can't cave. What I admired the most about you is how you never gave up, how you always kept your head so high and mighty. Money isn't the most important thing in this world, tho you happen to think it is. It isn't. I know it's hard, you don't know how much it sucks to not be able to get to school everyday simply because we don't have gas money. How sad is it that we can't even get a few dollars..I'm trying so hard to keep up with all the bullshit and drama, but it hurts so bad. You're telling me you want me to stay with my father? I think if I couldn't take living like this than I'd be with him already, dont YOU think so ? I told you already. I'd rather stay here happy with you, no matter how hard my life is..than to have problems free and live with my dad. I can't take it there, you know that. Why are you trying to push me away? Don't do this. Because I need you. Because YOU need me more. Prove me wrong, moma. Please don't let me down..again.

&another thing..

Why do you always happen to run back to me when things start to fall apart.. I can't complain and say I don't like it..cos I do. But I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. I'm excited for you to take me out tonight tho..I kinda wanna know where it's gonna lead. You always seem to come out of nowhere..<3

Welll.

More disappointed than betrayed, I'll tell you that forsure.

No longer are ya of importance to me tho.

..but it feels good to have my best friend back.

June 9, 2009

R.I.P. Anthony Crespo
We were never really "close." Just a few simple conversations online or through text. What happened to you has taught me such a great and valuable lesson. I mourn not only for the sympathy of your death but for the sadness the ones close to you feel. I can't imagine losing a homie. Losing someone amazingly close me. I don't think I'd know how to deal. Finding about you passing away was enough shock, esp. how it happened. So my biggest condolences to everyone close to him. He's watching over you all.


I was talking to Kirstie about this shit, imagine losing a close homie in an accident like that. Imagine..going home from a kickback with all of us getting fcked up like we do EVERY weekend. Risking ourselves getting in an accident. But us thinking we're so fckin hard, that shit wouldn't happen to us. It just makes me think, and it scares the shit out of me. Please be careful guys. I can't even imagine the pain I'd have to endure if anything happened to anyone I knew and cared for.

On Monday..Me, Kirst, Andre, Jaron & Carlo went all the way to Porter Ranch to go to Anthony's tribute bbq. The turn out was great. Seeing everything from the pictures of him, and the box full of money donations to more than a thousand dollars was crazy. Everyone wearing black and white. Seeing his homies cry. Geez, it was all just surreal. Afterwards we went to his house with his family. Looked through his room and all his stuff. Oh man, it was just weird..Planning to kick it with this foo and it never happened yet. Then he passes away..ah. After visiting his house with his family we went back to where it all happened. To I-210 westbound freeway near the Wheatland exit. We all posted up on the shoulder. Shit was so dangerous, but it went down okay. We left flowers, a picture of him, and a candle on the wall. We lit a stogie, a red to be exact, lit it up..and unbelievably, it smoked itself. It was a trip. Usually when you smoke a stog and don't drag it for a while it'll go out..but that shit smoked itself more than half way. We allll knew he was there. Seeing his family and friends cry was so sad. : Again, I can't imagine the pain..

One more time,
Rest In Paradise
Anthony Crespo

You will be forever missed.

I'm so proud of myself

I'm so proud. Ugh, I can't let myself break.

"When you're young everything feels like the end of the world but it's not, it's just the beginning."

I guess I just wanted to be one of those people who coulda made you change. I'm not capable of that. My love is not the one that's gonna make you change. Which means there's someone even better out there for you. Which is amazing because what I could of given you..oh, you have no idea. Like gold, you would of been given everything. This is the best way I can fix things. I'm sorry. This is all I can do for you. No, I'm sorry. Not all I can do for you, but I needa be selfish. This is what I have to do for me.

SEN10RS BABY !

Wooohooo. To describe my prediction of this year..EASY, QUICK, & the BEST. I only have four classes. Two of them being electives. and a fifth class being a T.A..which is nothing. I'm excited, I got my schedule exactly how I wanted it. First period is an easy A. Art class, I can't draw for beans but my effort will get out me okay. Haha. -_-; 2nd period is Gov. Love that class, everyone's in there. At least people I enjoy talking to. & my teacher seems to be super energetic in the morning to wake me up -_-; 3rd period is food tech, WOO. We get to cook. and what we cook, we eat. SCORE NIGGY. Easy A again. 4th period is uhh..English class. I haven't been in that class yet..But I heard the teacher's a bitch..but she's east, just hard to deal with. -_-; then 6th I'm a TA. I don't ahve a 7th. yay. Okay anywayyyyyyyyy. Uhhh.. I'm excited. I get my lunch pass tomorroww. I'm gonna get fat going out everyday for lunch :( Sheeesh. & I swear the school is getting more packed every year. -_-;

Sen10r year and I'm super pumped man ! Haha. :)

First day was supperrrrr boring. Didn't do much, but I went out to get pho with Sam after. 'Twas bomb ! Haven't had pho in ages. and NO I didn't care about the weather. I didn't get my raincoat. Right now I'm eating yoshinoyaaaaa and a yosi sounds pretty bomb right now. :( Save me !


Bye !

You Were My Everything

Word for word, amazing lyrics.

[Talking:]
This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just... I don’t even know
Just listen…

You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel

That wasn’t me; let me show you the way
I looked for the sun, but it’s raining today
I remember when I first looked into your eyes
It was like God was there, heaven in the skies

I wore a disguise 'cause I didn’t want to get hurt
But I didn’t know I made everything worse
You told me we were crazy in love
But you didn’t care when push came to shove

If you loved me as much as you said you did
Then you wouldn’t have hurt me like I ain’t shit
Now you pushed me away like you never even knew me
I loved you with my heart, really and truly

I guess you forgot about the times that we shared
When I would run my fingers through your hair
Late nights, just holding you in my arms
I don’t know how I could do you so wrong

I really wanna show you I really need to hold you
I really wanna know you like no one else could know you
You’re number one, always in my heart
And now I can’t believe that our love is torn apart

[Chorus:]
I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you [2x]

I knew you gonna sit and play this with your new man
And then sit and laugh as you’re holding his hand
The thought of that just shatters my heart
It breaks in my soul and it tears me apart

At times we was off I was scared to show you
Now I wanna hold you until I can’t hold you
Without you, everything seems strange
Your name is forever planted in my brain

Damn it, I’m insane,
Take away the pain
Take away the hurt
Baby, we can make it work

What about when you
Looked into my eyes
Told me you loved me
As you would hugged me

I guess everything you said was a lie
I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes
Now I’m not even a thought in your mind
I can see clearly, my love is not blind

[Chorus:]
I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you [2x]

[Talking:]
I just wish everything could have turned out differently
I had a special feeling about you
I thought maybe you did too
You would understand, but…
No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart
You’ll always be my baby

Our first day, it seemed so magical
I remember all the time that I had with you
Remember when you first came to my house?
You looked like an angel wearing that blouse

We hit it off, I knew it was real
But now I can’t take all the pain that I feel
Reach in your heart, I know I’m still there
I don’t wanna hear that you no longer care

Remember the times? Remember when we kissed?
I didn’t think you would ever do me like this
I didn’t think you’d wanna see me depressed
I thought you’d be there for me, this I confess

You said you were my best friend, was that a lie?
Now I’m nothing to you, you’re with another guy
I tried, I tried, I tried, and I’m trying
Now on the inside it feels like I’m dying

[Chorus:]
I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you [2x]

[Talking:]
And I do miss you
I just thought we were meant to be
I guess now, we’ll never know
The only thing I want is for you to be happy
Whether it be with me, or without me
I just want you to be happy

So long sweet summer..

Happy birthday Fatrick.

There is one more weekend left in my summer, sheeeeeeeeeeeshhhh ! : I'm gonna miss all the late nights, going out every damn daayy. Summer 'o9 you were amazing to me.

I just worry

I'm happy we finally got to talk about what was going on and cleared all the tension with us. Thank you for approaching me and settling it. I've been wanting to tell you what was on my mind, I just didn't want you taking it the wrong way. I just honestly worry about you. Believe it or not..even though we don't talk everyday. You still pop in my head....everyday. And I think about ya..everyday. I just wonder how you're doing, if you're happy, and sometimes I'll reminisce on certain memories. But I want you to know, wait wait. scratch that. You already know, but I wanna remind you again. I'm always here. You already know how I feel. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong idea and made you think that I was angry with you. I wasn't. Just disappointed, but I'm happy that you're understand what I mean. Just making sure you're okay..and most of all. I wanna make sure that you're happy..cos that's my main concern.

Oh & btw..

You are still just full of disappointment to me in my eyes. You are a chapter in my life that I will need to re-read a million times before I fully understand, but even then it's still not enough. You're like a drug that I must take daily, but I am never fully satisfied with the result. You are just a never-ending story full of nothing but bullshit and lies..and you easily then make up for it with your sweet, sweet amazing, love.

When are you going to come out to your own fuckin' senses? Realize what an amazing thing you got going for you RIGHT infront of you? I'm starting to quit on waiting till you fucking GROW UP, cos this pain is just excruciating.

Both my middle fingers are up cos I don't give two fucks anymore!

I don't know which hurts more, the fact of losing you..
or the fact that you're not trying to keep me.

As time slowly increases..

I cannot, cannot, CANNOT believe summer is coming to an end. Wow. I'm really..I don't know. Yesterday, it just hit me. We were late night crusin' in an overpacked car with the people who pretty much dominated the end of my summer..and damn. I'm really gonna miss it. The late and crazy nights. This summer was AMAZING. I can't even stress that fact enough. I swear, there wasn't two days ina row that I didn't go out. Somedays I'd take a day off, but that was rare. I practically went out every single day. Barely any drama, a bit of heartbreak but it had a good ending. Cliche enough, I'm really really sad to see summer end. As excited as I am to start my senior year. I can't picture..not seeing certain people EVERYDAY anymore. Who woulda 'thunk' that I moved in with my best friend by the end of summer ? Sheesh ! How can you beat that? I really needa give out my thanks to my TRIO and BFFFFFFL. Long, Jazmyn, & Kirst. You guys rule my summer. I talked to each of you everyday and kickin it was never an issue. I think I did pretty much everything I wanted to accomplish this summer. Roadtripped, visited a theme park, crazy party nights, met buncha new people and still have more time to do the rest ! Bowling next week. :) I'm not even gonna think about any bad times of this summer. Cos there were definitely more pros than cons. I can't even imagine how next summer is gonna be. When I'll finally be driving. -_-; I just need a car. Sheeesssshh ! Pretty much you guys..let's end this summer with a fuckin' bang, ya?

July 24, 2009

Oh my do I miss you..
I hate myself for even admitting to it.

I just wanna talk to you, but you seem to be ignoring me.
Mhmm..

July 21, 2009

..so you're just looking to have a good time. I'm not trying to stop you. I told you, I'm just trying to make you happy. You know, all that time I spent with you. All the times I ranked out on other people for you, because I knew it would make YOU happy..is now that I think about it, nothing but a waste of time. Stop acting like what we had was nothing. Unless I'm the fool in the situation right ? We've talked about this before. You wanna be free, live up highschool. Stop thinking I'm here to stop you, to hold you down. Cos that's the last thing I want. All I want, is to still be here. Someone you can run to. Your best friend, remember ? Don't act like we didn't say we're always gonna have something. We've had something way too long to just throw it away, don't YOU think ? Of course I'm gonna get jealous, that's fuckin' NORMAL. You already know, you'd do the same. At least, I still hope so. Prolly not as crazy as I'd get, but you know what I mean. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I already apologized for that. Just know I'm still here. That's all. As much as I don't wanna say I'm always gonna be here. We both know I'd be lying. I'm not trying to wait for us. I'm not trying to hold us down. The future is something that's always gonna be a blur. I, too am just tryna have fun, live it all up. I just don't..wanna forget about us.

I really hope you see what I'm trying to say here.
Baby, do you want you want, do what you gotta do.
But don't leave me hanging just yet..

July 20, 2009

Lately, I can't believe how vulnerable I've been. I feel like at any moment, I'm about to crack. Bottling up everything I've been hurting. Because I figured..it's not the best way to fix things. but the best way to avoid them, and eventually forget about. I've been trying to keep myself busy, going out every day, literally. I don't know why I've been breaking down so randomly, but I guess it's only about a matter of time till things are looking on the brighter side again. Oh, and hey, I'm gonna be honest. I wish I never got involved with you, because of you..my reputation just got even worst. Being talked shit on and dawged by people I don't even know, wait wait.. OLDER people I don't even know the names of. I just hope you get your shit together. I'm happy your happy tho. That's my main concern. I really wish I had someone to fall back on right now. At this time, with what I'm going through.. it'd be pretty cool to have someone to tell me everything's gonna be okay. Someone to take care of me and even give me a place to stay sometimes. You were supposed to be that person. Then I don't know what happened. What happened to the guy I met that night in May? The one that gave me 100% attention like I wanted? No idea, but that's just another one of the things I'll never understand in this life. No, no, not just you. But every other guy out there. There'd be times where I need time for myself. Like literally, just hours alone. No computer, no phone, no nothing. Just me. In my room, thinking to myself. I haven't had a time like that in a month. I'm always surrounded by people now. But hey, at least they're people I love. People that care about me. But sometimes, even the people that love you the most you need a break from. Like I always tell myself, in the end..it's just me. I'm gonna be the only one to hold myself up. So I got this, right? I'm gonna be okay..gonna get through this like I always do..

I think.

Sorry.

I don't think I can even express how bad I want to fix things.
But honestly, what's a girl to do?
I'm sorry I'm not a perfect child in your perfect world.
I'm sorry for everything. All the pain I caused you.
I really wish I could be the person you want me to be..
but with this generation, this society.
I've fallen into it. I know you're disappointed and
I feel like I'm never gonna stop disappointing you.
I couldn't stand staying in that house.
Where every time one of you would walk into the room..
I felt as if I was just a fuck-up.
I'm sorry.
That's all I can say.
Please don't think I took you or anything you have all done for me for granted..
Please don't.
I know it's going to difficult for you to believe,
I love you all.

If only there was a stronger word than sorry..

June 26 2009

So as this month comes to an end..I start to think about it..and it went by reaallyyyyy slow. As packed and fun as it was, it really took its time. I'm happy with the way the month is ending but that's okay. It's about time I stayed home -_-; I went out 14 days in a row. Some of the time I didn't even come home. Ha. -_-; Way too crazy in some point. Partying needs to head away from me for a little bit. Because I'm kinda tired. no no. I'm fuckin exhausted and drained. Meeting you guys opens major doors for me but I'm not too sure if I like those doors. So I'm closing them. I needa vent. Don't care what you think if you ever do read this..here I fucking go.

Who's the jerk now? That was a bitch move and I'm sorry if this is immature, but you played your game wrong. If you meant what you said the last time we spoke then you wouldn't of been on my ass about things. You know what, overrall. Don't lie to me, I'm very understanding and I'm not stupid. If you're not into it, then you're not. I'm not gonna take it up the ass. But leavin' a girl hanging on thinking what the fuck is going on is NOT the business, yanno? Don't trip boo. I'm young, but I'm not stupid. I'm just disappointed on how you treated everything. But we're still cool. You're a tight homie, I guess.

I can NOT. I repeat. I cannot cannot cannot wait until I get out of here. Wesco is calling my name already. I wanna get out and get out quit. I seriously think these people will live their life better without me. I just cause more drama and trouble and real talk. I just DON'T fit in. Right? Right. SO SOMEONE GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE...

Yanno. I've officially been single for a good year and I think it's finally started to sink in..I'm not saying I'm gonna start looking for someone to be with, to finally call my boyfriend. No. I'm going with the flow. Come to me. But I'm just tired of boys..no. I'm tired of liars, fronts, players. Get out..please. I'm annoyed of you guys. Seen too many these past few months.

DUDE, senior year. I don't think you know how excited I am ! =] Weeeee ! I'm so psyched. I passed algebra 2..with a D- =[ BUT ITS OKAY. I still fuckin passed dfuckingaf honestly. That shit was hard and a fuckin mission.


I'm over everything.


MAMA NEEDS TO FIND HER HOOD NIGGA PLEASEEE.

June 14 2009

So Jazmyn is to my left KTFO and I'm super bored. She woke up early while I slept so I guess this is my karma. Haha.

Anyway...Junior year is OFFICIALLY over and I can now say I am finally a senior. =] Highkey tho..these past three years went by like a crazy motherfucker. I can't believe how many things have changed since freshman year and how much I have changed mentally. What I'm most proud of is that I am not sitting here thinking I don't like what I've become. I am content with what the world has given me and all it's opportunities. I'm happy. At least I think I am. Even if I am in denial tho...I'm still standing tall. Senior year is going to open so many doors for me. Well..they're gonna give me a lot of doors, and it's not my CHOICE to choose to open them, but to gain enough strength and power to have the opportunity to. HIt me with your best shot. I'm ready for anything.

Well, lately. I have been enjoying my life. Everything seems to be at an all-time high. I've been living the nightlife and soaking up every single bit of it. Now that summer's finally here...Oh my, what a crazy summer this is gonna be. I can already feel it. Waaay crazier than last summer, that's for sure. Cos I won't be in Vegas for a month of it. Wasting my damn time there. I can already feel the summer love and heartbreak. What's gonna happen this summer you guys? I feel like things are gonna change, things are gonna evolve, and things are definitely..gonna end.

&To the one who knows this is for you after you read this:

Thanks for spending so much time with me lately. I feel like I've been taking up too much of your time so I'm gonna take a baby stepback to let you do your thing. Because I know when you start to miss me, you'll be hitting me up within seconds. So I'll just kickback till you come. You know you're still the fuckin best.

Oh and this little bitch to my left is my fucking best friend to the max. We had lovely talks yesternight and we know the fuckin businesss. B]

&to my other best friend, a.k.a. brother. I love you so much, Long Nguyen. I'm happy you're gonna start kickin it more. We need that time ! See you ina bit. It's summer so expect me at your pad a lot more often. BUAHAHA =]

To you guys;

I was looking at past memories, gotta admit..I miss you guys. I know I've went my seperate way ..but we all have in a sense. I know I come off and dgaf fck it, whatever. I don't ever want you three to think I'm still not here tho..I'm here, whenever you guys need me. I love you guys.

Ahh, good venting session. Havent done that ina good minute. And Jazmyn is still knocked the fuck out. Imma chop her hair off now. Deuce!

(continued)
And there still are doors waiting to be opened! Senior year is right around the corner and I can't even explain how excited I am. My goal is to get out of school right after 4th and not even worry about the hour lunch. Ugh, I hope hopee. Anyway..with all that aside, prom just passed and I had so much fun. Parties and late nights galore. I consider myself super blessed right now. I just hope it doesn't end in anything crazy! :( summer is right around the corner baby! Are you guys ready for that heat or whatt?? Ahhh, I'm not! But I have plans to have a good time and a good time only. Who's with me? Late!

Updating from my piece of shit blackberry curve:

Wow. Blogspot has kinda ran away from me lately. I don't even remember the last time I even looked at my blogspot page. I've been super busy, but is that anything new? That's what I always say. -_-; hah, really tho..its either im busy or im just lazy. What have I been up to lately? Man, a whirlwind of things. Life has been very good to be lately. I'm so glad to have my moma back in town. I can't wait till she finally gets her own place. Anyway, I've been partying and chillin and tryna live up the end of my junior year. I can't believe it. I'm gonna be a senior next year?! Wow. That was quick. I'm still on the memory of my 8th grade grad and trippin cos I was in highschool. Haaa. Then I think about when I was a freshman...gross. So naive and immature, not even realizing how many doors were waiting to be opened by me.

May 05 09

WTF? It's already May? Oh my Schools over in 2 weeks. -_______-; GUESS WHO HAS A C IN ALGEBRA 2 ! WASSUPPPPPPPP. Hey, stfu. I'm very proud of myself. Cos I was failing last week.
Anyway. Uhhhhhhhhhh. Things have been great great great lately. All if good. I'm just very FTB AND DFAG after everything.

Life is good.

..except for the fact I dont have my voice.
Uh...prom this weekend, wassup! =]]]]]

Call Her Crazy

Call me fuckin' crazy. Should be my middle name. In relation for what I've done for you. Shit.. I'm off the meter when it comes to normal and crazy. It's about time we had another break. Don't cha think? Since beginning of april we've been...pretty close. Which is normal, but it was longer than normal. I'm not even gonna think it has a reason. How long's this break gonna be? Being that it was a pretty long period of time we acted like we worked out. I think it's time for my downs again, cos I'm not used to this to be honest. I don't want to get used to anything. We still have a lot of time to go. I was thinking to myself while we were spending so much time together..I wasn't sure if I liked all the attention. Maybe because it's not what I'm used to tho. Right? Idk, it was all a weird happy blur for me. How about for you?

And another thing..I've honestly been kinda curious to what's going on with that one. If I find something out later.. I'm dunzo, seriously. Make sure I don't catch shit slippin, cos you won't like the consequence. Trust me. Midnight calls? Mama no likeyy...But overrally mama no likey YOU period. So do me and my girls a favor and GTFO. Idk what happened, you just slowly moved to my bad side. Through my eyes honestly, you're fake and try to hard..I hate needing to say that. I've already tried to figure you out. You failed.

Oh, btw..I'm still fuckin' scared because my body's been acting up all funky. FML.

Lastly, I wanna thank you tho, for everything you did to see me. =] I swear you're the cutest thing when you miss me. Make sure you let me know when you start to miss me again, kay? I'm waiting. =]


CST testing are killing me. Algebra 2 tomorrow, Fuck. I hate math. I still wanna aim for getting that hour lunch even thought I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be leaving after 4th period senior year. AH SENIOR YEAR. Wtf? I blinked and all of a sudden I'm a senior? Oh haylllllll... Alright. Scared? Excited? I can't really decided on how I feel about it.

YouTube videos wise. I've been wanting to make one. I've honestly just be too busy..ohkay fine, I've just been lazy. Busy of weekends. Lazy during the week. 21 thoughts video..I only thought of 18 tho.. =[ Soon soon, promise. =] AND STFU on you guys saying "filipinos are asian" Whatever fuckers ! I still don't think we are. Suck my dick.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh........I need a prom dresssssssss !!
AND UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. EDC IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOOOOOD RIGHT NOW.

I'm proud of my boys. Lakers finished first round against Jazz. Who's next fuckers ! We're gonna take this all the way, we better. Cos I fuckin' made bets already. Shaitttt.

Oh and for the fool down the street. You need to get your shit straight.. you want this today, tomorrow you don't. I'm ready when you're ready..

That was just a lot of things I had on my mind. OKAY BYE.

April 26 09

Well I don't think I can stress the fact more than I love that my mother is back in California. I feel like this weekend...helped me get away from everything I wanted to get away from and just settle down and chill. Ya already know ya made my weekend, boo. But honestly..and oddly enough, I have no idea what I'm feeling ! I KNOW what I'm thinking..but I have no idea what I'm feeling. Would someone like to tell me? That'd be amazingly helpful. Wouldn't it? Like if there was someone else to make your decisions for you..the one's you never wanted to make. So that way..when the person has made your decision for you..all the people you've affect beyond that decision..you can blame it on the the fagget that choose for you. Wtf? Am I okay? Prolly not, I have come to a conclusion to why I haven't given up and pulled out my white flag to wave:

I'm content, but I'm not the happiest.
I'm scared, but I'm not terrified.
I'm confused, but I'm not going crazy.
I'm working, but I'm not trying my hardest.
I'm tired, but I'm not exhausted.
I'm in pain, but I'm not dying.
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

If you wanna wave my white flag for me to surrender, DO IT. Cos I don't think it's even possible for me to do it on my own. I've come so close to doing it..but all in all, I know I'm never going to..and why is that? Because I don't want to ! To do something, you're either forced to or want to. I'll tell you now the only reason I'm doing this is because I want to. It's not like you're not making it easy for me tho. Hahahahahaha. I was so fuckin sure too, like a retard..but WTF, it's like impossible. I needa stand my ground but until the time comes, this earthquake is absoutely ridiculous.


Wow, for those of you crazies who actually read this bullshit. Why? You have no idea what I'm even talking about. I just like to vent. Hope you don't mind.

WHAT'S NEXT? COS I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FUCKIN' CRAZY THIS ROLLERCOASTER IS.

The things I do for you..
Oh baby, yadaeven know thoo.

"Now I ain't gotta trip about them bitches who like him,
Cos me and daddy know who can really make him gooo."

April 19 2009

I'm singing this to you;

Chasing Pavements-Adele

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Cos it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus]
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it?

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
should I leave it there
Should I give up
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Should I just keep on chasin' pavements?

So moma says she's moving back to california..oh boy, let's see how that goes or if it even goes through..Gonna hang out with her today, super excited..yet super nervous to what's gonna go down. Its always a whirlwind of events when im with my moma..we'll see..

April 19 2009

Overrall, spring break wasn't THAT bad.
I got in my kicks and my fun.

Hope you guys enjoyed it as well !



You have no idea how much I'm loving your attention right now..

I love when you miss me.

Laying bed, super bored and nothing on TV. Just wanted to try out this blogging through text thing.

This spring break kinda blows being that half the people had spring break the week before -_-; also the weather kinda kills it. Next week its supposed to reach 90s. Wtf. -_-; 4/20 on monday. Hmmm... =] haha. We'll seee. Any plans for this weekend? Hit me upp.

Okay well im watching friends and patricks on the phone. Im prolly gonna KO soon. Goodnight!

April 15 09

Dang, everything is starting to be able to be updated through your phone. Pretty coooll.

Anyway, let's update ya on my life a bit yes?
On monday was the bonfire. Went pretty well. Let's see if I can name everyone..ready set go ! : Jazmyn, Rowena, Long, Karen, Adrian, Anthony, Stan, Claude, Angelo, Robbie, Jon, JonP, Josh, Alex, Aileen, MattD, Andre, Alanna, Kirstie, Shannon, Josh, Rene, Marvin, Godfrey, Angel, Jessica, Camille, Lexus, Ron.etc ! Shiet and then there were about 10 people I don't know the names of. Haha, if i forgot you I apologize deeply. Anyway. I had a lot of fun. Spent the whole day there from 3-10. Good day very much. The beach took my fuckin flipflops and ring tho. Fuckin' asshole. Lots of laughs and there never was a time I said I was bored. Thanks to everyone who went and I apologize if some of my yelling to get everyone together was annoying. =] Haha.

Anyway, there's something that's been bothering me. But I honestly don't know what it is..I've been tryna figure it out for a while now, but I just can't put my finger on it. I don't think it's what I think it is, at least I hope not. Honestly. This whole love triangle going on is annoying. It's not even a triangle, more like an octagon, Wtf? Dude..you needa figure yourself out cos you don't even know how many people you're affecting. I honestly dont even see what they all see. Maybe that's just me tho, cos I can't see you as nothing more than a friend now. I'm happy I didn't fall into your trap, but people still seem to think I am. Hahaha. You and I both know we're just fucking around..but dude..yadaevenknow.. just becareful. Tears ah' fallin' cosa yaa...

Another thing, the person I would except to be there for me through thick and thin. Lemme know when you miss me. Cos I'd wanna know too..ASSHOLE.

Honey, Yanno...we all just care for you. But what's gotten into you? You don't understand how much we've been worrying about you. I hope you come to your senses soon..and understand you do have people you can run to. We don't let you call us your friends for nothing..Talk to us. We miss you. It's like your there physically, but you're not there mentally. You're not the same anymore. At least that's what I think. Idk, I just feel like you're hiding so much that you don't need to. For the last time, we're here. Patiently waiting on you.

And lastly, he still doesn't understand.

April 12 09

Happy birthday, Iopu. =]


I just wanna say, I hate this feeling and I'm definitely craving to get out of this house to get my mind off things. Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby ?

I haven't been out all weekend. Wehhhhhhh ! Twas supposed to go out with Jaz and Aldric and what not, but that was a major fail. It's okay, we have alla spring break ta chill thooooo.
Dude. How Sad, I have nothing to fuckin blog about because I haven't been doing anything ! Wtf. Someone pick me up right now. Let's get some pho.

April 11 09

Shh, but fuck today !

Anyway, This weekend to start off break I'm gonna stay home with my fams and church. And uhhhhhhh, yea. Friday and Saturday I dedicated to Church just to end Lent the correct way. Tomorrow Jaz might sleepover and we uhhh....have to wake up super early for Monday. A.K.A. Bonfire, yum. =] I hope that day goes well, please...go well. Okay. I don't really know what to blog about.

Our random nights are what me keep me sane..
Stop by more often. =]

April 08 09

Please don't do this..
Don't scare me, don't let me down again. PLEASE. I'm begging you.
I can't believe what you're doing right now, again? Like this? Why would you do this?
Scare and hurt all the people who love you so much. Please stop.
I need you in my life. Don't do this to me.

I'm so fuckin' scared.

April 07 09

vNo matter what I do it's not good enough for you huh?
I try every fuckin day to make you proud but it never seems to match your standards..


Anyway..today I had to biggest craving for pho ever. =[
Would someone like to swoop me up one day and take me on a pho date ! =]

Almost spring break and I hope I have a good one...the bonfire seems to be looking pretty good so I'm prettyyyy excited ! =]]]
I just know I hafta burn out a lotta money for your asses cos I know you guys and I know you guys won't bring a lotta shit. -_-Hah. Anyway, Hit me up for info I'm tryna invite everyone as much as I can but I'm losin' track.

Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby?
and I'll do my best to make it betterrr.

April 06 09

Didn't do much this weekend, just stayed with the fams.
Yesterday was a productive day. Palm sunday then I got to see my baby ! =]]
I missed her so much I'm so happy she's here.

Went to a late lunch and early dinner with all three of my hermanas.
Talk about fatties !
Then played chubby bunny and watched twilight when we got home.

Today going to take Alanis to watch Monster vs. Alien !

Wooooooo


And I'm having a good hair day. =]
Hahaahaha.

April 04 09

Hello guys. Wow It's been a long while eh? March 25 was the last post. Simply because before this past friday, I didn't go on for a week. Wtf, Chelsea? No Internet? Impossible ! Yea mann. Possible. I got introuble friday for coming home too late so that was my bad, I coulda gotten the internet back sooner if I asked for it, but I kinda felt like I needed a break from everything. And the week that I was off this thing helped me a lott. I felt soo much more productive. I helped around the house a lot more, it didn't really change anything for me school wise cos I rarely ever have homework. -_-; But anyway, felt like I had a lot more time for myself which I didn't realize I didn't have because I've been out every weekend since about..december. -_-; I didn't realize how busy I was. With Mary's Debut, my birthday and everyone elses..I haven't had time for myself at all. So this past week helped me gather up all my thoughts. You see the blog before this one ? Where I'm asking to put my life on pause for a bit, I think this past week gave me that. It kept me away from the whole myspace and youtube world for a while, which I definitely needed. It helped me get away from my friends a bit and just chill with my fams AND myself. I've been so focused on talking to friends and blahblah through AIM and MySpace that I forgot about myself for a little. I figured out everything I needed and somewhat of what I wanted. It was about time for that too. And this weekend I'm staying home. ALL WEEKEND. No sadies or anything for me. :( But it's okay, like I said. It's about time.
_____________________________________________________
To Anonymous:
I finally got myself figured out on where we stand. I don't think you have, but I know where I am. I don't know where I'm going..but I know where I am. No longer will I be bugging you with my text messages. I figured out that if you need me, you'll come to me. But I'm not always going to be here. As much as I want to be..I can't. It's not a now or never kinda thing, it's more like..No now? Okay bye, see you later tho. If that made sense. It did to me, whatever. It's not like you're going to read this shit, I just like to vent. OH, and as much as I don't wanna say I miss you..I really do. So there ya have it.
_____________________________________________________
To Anonymous:
Hurting you is definitely something I wanna stay away from.. I don't know what I did to make you think you way you do of me, but I sincerely apologize. You mean so much to me..but I don't think it's the same way I mean to you.. You do SO much for me and you don't even know how grateful I am. Don't think I never considered it..it's just..I don't know. It's just not the same. You know what I mean, please don't put me in any position I don't wanna be in..I love you.
_____________________________________________________
To Anonymous:
You guys don't understand how shit works nowadays. Don't act like I'm stupid. I honestly just try to avoid your confrontation, because you'll never understand what's really going on in my head. Because..it's like everything I say is incorrect. Everything I do disappoints you. Right? I'm a piece of shit, and a disappointment to you. I try my fuckin' hardest everyday to make you guys proud..but it's impossible. Don't act like I put no effort in my school either please. I try, you swear like you were absolutely perfect. You guys needa remember I'm still a teenager, I'm still learning. Let me fuck up and learn from my mistakes. I've taken every consequence you've given me. I'm still finding myself. Let me live. Please.
_____________________________________________________
To Anonymous:
I don't know where you are, I don't know what you've been doing. All I know is that you're fucking up again and I wish I can say I was surprised. But I'm not..How interesting was it to get that phonecall. You're the only person I can start thinking about and start crying out of nowhere. Please be fuckin smart with your shit, you're way too old for me to be worrying about you. Don't do this. Please, I hate when you do this to yourself. The law isn't going to change for you. Please, I'm begging you. Help yourself.
_____________________________________________________
To Anonymous:
You're REALLY cute and sweet; and I can see it happening..but I gotta see a bit more effort. I don't even know if you're just playing games or not, I'm playing the game, but my smiles are realll. Let's see how it goes..cos no doubt am I interested, but will it mess things up? Let's hope not..


Wooo, that was fun huh ? Anyway. Enough letters and your boggling minds wondering who their for. This past week has been great. Went by quick. On Thursday I went to lunch with Ellison and forced him to get pho with me. =] Cos I've been all about that shiiiet these days and I want s'more at this very moment ! =] Hehe. Anyway. I didn't realize how long it's been since I've seen that nigga and I missed him dearly. again next week with Karen and Tristan. Yay ! =] Friday I did nothing, just stayed home and watched the laker game. Todayy, Jaz came over so I could do her hair for sadiess. She might sleepover tonight, yay ! Okay. I'm gonna watch the best years. It premiered yesterday. =]]] Hasn't been on since like...me and Patrick were together ! Holykanoly ! Alright. Oh ! I got twitter ! follow me on it ! The links on my myspace.. Late !

He missed me.


Couldn't mess up our weekend streak.
(Btw, tell her how cute her hair is ;] )

Pause

Can we put life on pause really quick..just for a quick second while I try to catch up with the rest of the world, or better yet, myself. Cos I don't know what's going on right now and I can't really focus on anything. I just wanna put life on pause for a quick minute..just so I can figure out the truth. Cos real talk, I have never been so confused with myself in my life. Unless I'm overacting, which sounds like something I would do. What is going on. I'm so fuckin lost. Someone find me please.
PLEASE.

It amazes me how much a song can relate, how much music can change your fuckin mood, don'tcha think?

For the millionth time..I DON'T KNOW.

Idk

how much longer I can do this.

Rollercoaster

This is the longest rollercoaster I've ever rode.
Yesterday was full of loops and downs all day.

I'm sorry for yelling saying shit you know I could never mean. :( I just get scared..cos I'm confused enough, but I'm just really happy we put an agreement to forget about the whole thing. I miss you.

___________________________________________

I had a good weekend. Friday with the wesco girls boiling crab and americana. I saw Khia, Mikey, & Steven. :) And a few other coolcats. Thanks for chillin, guysss ! Got home late and in somewhat trouble, but that's okay. :) Saturday, didn't get out until 9. Out with Jaz, Row, & Jess. FUNNER NIGHT than I expected. We had a good night and I bumped into a lot of old faces and met a lot of new ones. Saturday was the first night in a while I went to a party, and surprisingly it was really fun. Shit didn't get broke up for once and it was in LaPuente. Ha, anyways. Afterwards went to back tristans and then uhhhhhhh..went home pretty late. & Not in trouble, woooooooo ! Sunday, went to hospital to visit Emcee, Jesse, & Jai. Then pho with my sister and uncle rogie. Everything seems to be going well. Welcome to the world my beautiful neice <3 THIS WEEKEND..sadies shoppin? I'M FUCKIN BROKE SHOOT ME NOW.

btw, can someone teach my how to jerk?

Matt D.'s Example of a Flow Session

Cos I swear he almost made me cry with this..

"So she said make her a rap and to show it when you're done. But I'll write you a little song while I play beer pong. But I'll stop with all the drugs shit for now because I know how much it bugs to hear about some thugs comin' down. So turn that frown upside down and I'd like to tell a story bout this girl that I found. She's so wonderful in every single way. I'm so glad I get to speak her to her every single day, sometimes she just acts so gay though so I would tell her to leave and go away to the a Bay but no, fuck that shit, I'd miss you too fucking much, and so today you asked me to this thing called sadies but look at chu you're my favoritest fuckin' lady. I just laughed at that shit because I'm such a freakin' faggle just like you'd always call me just because I'm Matt fuckin' Dee. You're just too cute and let me take you back to our roots. It was the summer of 7th grade all these muthafkin' niggas tryna act like they'd always get laid. That's when I met this little girl, she was the downest chick in the whole entire world. She loves to smile for the camera or take a little flick then she'd take a pick of her most favorite pic. She had the longest hair ever and I turned around and took a giant bite of my pear. Then it's been years and years we haven't spoken to eachother we kept our distance from one another. We both had different lovers at the time and all of a sudden we became the best of friends I'm glad we did and I'm not sad. I feel like we drifted apart then came back together, but I hope that it stays this way forever. Her favorite color is purple and she loves the Lakers. And she hates those niggas who are just faker than fake. She doesn't really like to bake but it's just once in a while or maybe she's in denial. She loves to sit and eat a block of cheese while I front and sit around like I was popadoc with a glock. Some cheese just like two peas in a pod, makes her happy like if her main squeeze was her papi. She loves apple sour straws and she doesn't have many flaws, or from what I see shes just almost perfect to me. She's a march baby and shes four foot eleven, she's like an angel sent from heaven, she likes to drank slurpees from seven eleven but I think she'd rather have a fruitista mangostrawberry but when she wears a crown she looks like a little fairy but no in my world she's a princess and even if she fucks up i don't think any less of her. She's my favorite girl I love her hair when it's curled. She's so gorgeous she looks better than George Bush, and she don't like the bud so she hates the kush. I can tell in her eyes she hates when I push, to make a dollar on the streets so just holla. She's only seventeen years old, she's six months older and my birthday's when its colder. She's like a flower when she blossoms in the wind, and she's down she's not a coward. I know I'm pretty fucking lame but look at you walking around every single place you got fame and I know you don't really like it when we play games. In my world you're a boss, you're not the kind of girl to toss around or beat around the bush. You'd rather be straight forward and real do ya feel? I'm getting fuckin' lazy this is making me daze-y but I'll keep going just for you. I'd do anything for your just as long as its coo and I don't act like a foo like a piece of poo on a friday night, but tonight I just hope that we won't fight. But then again when do we really fight? Unless I'm just playin' witchu foo. I'm just kidding you know that i love you, just like a dove in a pond but on the real i'm just fond of your presence. i love being around you i love every single second of it. whether the night is a bust or if we kick some rocks or kick some dust. but chelsea you know i trust you with my life, so i sit here and spit this ciphe. i love your big pretty brown eyes and i hate to see it when you're down. when you're sad and have the biggest frown. but i know you're a strong girl, you're strong just like king kong. and you like singing songs about sex money drugs but id rather give you hugs. i love it when youre so cheery because when we see eachother i seem to always be weary. when im not around you i tend to get a little teary whether it be something going on at home or wishing i was in rome. you hate anything thats spicy or anyone whos a little too fiesty. you love the s1 from thai village, extra sauce white rice i dont care the price ill pay for your dinner just as long as we're both winners but i talk like im a weiner like an oscar mayer wiener and you always talk like youre a beaner. as if i was a pysa or a hyna but i know that youre just tryna be funny. you make my days oh so sunny and you made a little video of you my little chubby bunny. youre my sugasuga you stick like a booga! now i could keep going but ill end with this, im getting a little tired and im feelng not so wired. i love everything about you and the things you do, i just hope theres something i can do back for you if thats coo well now i hafta leave and doo doo. =D

-Matt D.


al;kynpaouyna;oyjawny;ouawn'
He's amazing ! I love you <3

Anyway, I asked Matt to sadies today, & I had to do it quick ! cos the prices are going on so I couldn't do it in person. :(
I text FIVE different people and during lunch I had Mariel go up to him..and show him a text from "WILL" saying :
"i know this is kinda gay,
but i hope you're willing to play.
just follow my directions throughoutt the day
and you'll understand later, kay?
read the names that these clues come from
put em together and they won't sound dumb.
you call me an etard cos i like to roll,
now do me a favor a look for joel !"

Then he looked for joel,
Joel showed him a text from someone named "YAGO"
"Now I'm sure you know what this is for,
and I didn't want to ask in a bore,
and since i can't ask you in per-son
this is the only way I can get it done.
How do I hope you don't hafta go far,
do you mind finding castanar?"

Chelsea Castanar shows him a text from someone named "WIFF"
"We all know you know who I am
But do I look like a give a damn?
Keep on going and follow the clues!
Even if you don't like these foos.
sorry I'm running out of words.
Good thing your school is full of nerds.
they're all asian and not bean-oh !
now go find andre leano !"

Andre shows him a text from someone named "METO"
"Alright alright, you're almost done.
and yes I know, this was so much fun.
now you have one more person to find.
she's really wittle and super kind.
ner name is alanna, and she has the last clue!
now go ahead and find her, boo! :)"

Alanna shows him this..from someone named "SADIES"


"Haha surprise ! I know this is lame,
but I hope you enjoyed this game !"

Get it? WILL - YAGO - WIFF- METO - SADIES?

I know, how fuckin lame. & I made him walk around the whole school, hahaha.
Wuv you Matt. <3

Hi Suga.

It's driving me insane, & I need it once again..

Oh baby, you already knowwwwwwww !
Remember, I love you.
but I only give to those that deserve,

&don't forget, I'm the best you've ever had. :)

Oh but tell me, where are we?
Cos I'm following your lead.



Today went by quick. Blockschedule is niceeeeeeeee. I hate you !

Thank You

To everyone who celebrated my birthday with me. I had a GREAT pre-birthday, BIRTHDAY, & post-birthday. & I didn't plan one bit of it ! Haha. I swear, I think I got everything I wanted. <3 I had my downs on my birthdate itself. but c'mon it was friday the 13th. that's not surprising. Matthew Del Rosario & Dwayne Cabrera. You guys are amazing. SERIO. Anyway..Maybe I'll get into detail later about everything. All that's really important is I had a great 17th birthday. But I'm not even done celebrating. :D Next weekend, I continue ! Monday, I'm celebrating with my family, finally. Boiling crab with the girrrrrls on Friday. & Hooters on Saturday. Fsho babyy. P.S. I'm the best.

She already knows !


FAILURE.


Pre-Birthday

Birthday.


After-Birthday

Hi !

I have no been blogging much. That just means one of two things..either busy or lazy. Either one shouldn't be an excuse ! This weekend was all about Mary. Friday, our LAST practice for her debut and it all paid off for Saturday.

Mary, YANNO I LOVE YOU RIGHTT? I had so much fun at the debut and I give myself props for actually making you cry ;) Toldja I was going to ! HAHA But you were starting to make me cry. Anyway, here's my 18 candles speech :
To my dearest mary,

"Honestly..I have no idea what im supposed to say..so im just gonna wing it. I wanted to start this off by saying how we met.. and I tried talking you about that before..but you don't even know either..so..that's not gonna happen. But anyway.. I've know you for a good...five years or so.. and we've been through enough ups and downs to finally be able to say were at the point where we've never been so close. I don't know if its all the debut practices this past month that brought us closer but im sure that even if it weren't for the practices we'd still be hanging out every weekend. I think it was like...one good year that we didn't talk, because of certain drama i don't wanna reminsce on. Haha :-) but im really glad we finally overcame all of that. I don't think I even said im sorry for all that pointless nonsense..so I guess right now is the best time to apologize. Its funny because..we aren't at a point where were calling eachother best friends or sisters or whatever but for some reason im able to trust you more than a lot of other people. Im able to tell you things I can't tell people you would expect me to tell. Its probably because we've been through all the same experiences we've both cried enough times to understand where eachothers coming from. Thank you so much for letting me be apart of this experience, this is the first court ive ever been a part of and the first debut I've been to period. I enjoyed myself so much and im really glad to have gotten to know everyone else in the court. We've all grown so close and just because the debut is over doesn't mean were gonna stop hanging out okay?! Anyway, mary you've become one of my close friends these past months and I really wanna thank you for everything you've done for me. I really appreciate all the memories and even hardtimes cos they only brought us closer. I've told you so many times and times before that im always gonna be here for you, through anything. Literally anything, you know im here. If there was ever a time you needed someone to vent to or cry you, im always a phonecall away, you know that. So all in all. Today is your day. You're finally 18, legall!! These past weeks have been very stressful for you, but look at the turnout. It was all worth it. So absorb your last day of being 17. because tomorrows your birthday big girl! I love you sooo mcuhhhh and..happy birthday beautiful. :-)"

Wow that shit's longer than I thought..Hahaha. Anyway. I had a good weekend. And of course Jazmyn had to be a part of it. ANYWAY. My birthday's coming up. I'm usually not one to remind everyone every day that it's coming, but I'm not doing anything to celebrate this year so.. :) Heh. Well. Let's see who remembers. MARCH 13 babe ! :) Oh tomorrow I'm going to Thai Village for a little early birthday brunch, I guess ! Thanks guys <3

I miss a yottaa faces.

Mains.


One of the best.


I love you Mary Rose !